Subject: Plans for our Holiday party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
_________________________________
Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for
your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
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Company Memo
________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
_____________________________
Company Memo
________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you
to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill
House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of
concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of
salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high
blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
____________________________________
Company Memo
________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your frigging salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you frigging wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you
all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
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Company Memo
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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