Monkey Pickles

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Swear Jar

This is an awesome classic came out a few years ago, but definitelyy worth mentioning again. I think every office should have a swear jar. Places would make a killing on Mondays. You could use the profits for Budwieser, Moral boosters, a new fax machine or just steal it when its full. If you have a swear jar at your house you can have parties and have everyone use the swear jar.. You can set your own price. Some circles of friends could probably pay your mortgage or kids college fund.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Adventures of Jaley Evans #3

Ohhh here goes Jaley again....

I have been working at this correspondent’s Mecca for a few months now. My credibility is growing as my expose counts rise. Journalistically I am in rapture. I am operating with a fabulous team that keep my leads juicy.

I have dug up an indication of my own and am scrambling to keep this undisclosed to the others. I lament over being deceptive but recognize that a breach in this trust would be detrimental to this flaming issue. “This is real Jaley” I prod myself in recognition. This is relevant. This is a dodgy situation and needs to be exposed. This is your big break!

I have been informed that a local Yule Log manufacturer has been fortifying its logs with Cannabis. These sweet holiday concoctions were being sold worldwide. To clarify for the layperson, Cannabis is an illegal drug known as “hemp” or “Mary-Jane”. I must jump into the call of duty and rectify this situation.

My “in” at the plant had prepared me proper work attire so that I will go undetected in my journey for evidence of this act. He laughed when he saw me in the paper jump suit and showed me how to write my name with Cheetos dust from his fingers on the front placket of my disguise.

“You will blend in well Jaley,” he said with another rumbled chuckle and a well-choreographed fall sequence.

This was a happy plant. Pink Floyd played in the background to motivate productivity and stamina.

The manager called together a group of employees. I was in deep. No turning back now. I quaked like a farmer in the Yucatan with a successful harvest. We all were served Yule Log cuttings. I ate 3 ravenously. Each tasted better than the last and made me feel more festive. There were many miss-steps, harmonious laughter fits and catchy songs about memory foam. This was an unusual way to handle a business meeting.

Chips were spread out like peanut butter on celery. There were lookouts at the door and some paper wearing figures were pacing as if nervously anticipating interruption. I went in for the kill.

“Excuse me sir” I said stammering uncharacteristically. “My name is Jaley Evans and I hear that Cannabis is being placed in these Yule Logs. What do you have to say about this?”

I awaited his refusal. I braced anxiously for his shock and denial of my absurd statement.

“Well how in the hell else would we sell this crap?” He stated strongly, eyes glazing over with humor.

He broke out in the familiar laughter of this plant assuring me that this was all an insidious inflammation of information. I had been led astray. My lead was now maliciously aimed and assumed false. This was a dead end to my break out story.

I stayed to eat more Yule Log chunks and sing about the hippopotamus of Africa that day. But I swear there were people watching us somewhere. As a seasoned reporter, I could not shake that feeling. I forced myself to laugh it off to enjoy more Yule Log, sour cream and onion chips and Pink Floyd.

I will possibly return to investigate when production of the Happy Easter Log begins in early spring.

Monkey Pickles would like to take the time to thank the writer @ The Invisible Seductress

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Monkey Pickles Shoppers

I often think of things to do when out and about that would be fun to do this just adds to the list. We might even com out with soemthing like Monkey Pickles Missions that would be similiar to these to lighten the world up. Everything that is purpose driven, being prodcutive, managing time, failing forward, and succeeeding whatever happen to a firm handshake and just being a goofball enjoying some good simple humor with someone. GOOFBALLS United against daily purpose

Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Video of the week !!

Although we all love getting presents at Christmas time feeling just overwhelmed that someone thought enough of us to wrap something up tie a ribbon around it. Don't be fooled there are such things as bad gifts. I would rate fancy socks, handmade sweaters, and money clips pretty high. What are some of your worst Christmas Gifts?

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Company Holiday Party

This is a wonderful piece of Cyber forward Holiday cheer !! Please feel fre to copy and past and send around... It's funny how office politics today are so funny...

Subject: Plans for our Holiday party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for
your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you
to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill
House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of
concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of
salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high
blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your frigging salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you frigging wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you
all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!


Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full

Happy Holidays!


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